It's not exactly a secret.
2026-01-01
Here's my hot take: Cishet white American men (CHWAMs?) generally don't understand how attraction works, and it's fucking everyone over.
Crushes were a very complicated and private thing when I was a young man. Smartphones were still a glimmer in Steve Jobs's eye, AOL chat rooms were the closest thing we had to social media, and if you wanted to talk to someone in private, well, that's what your rotary phone was for. I don't remember feeling like it was safe to acknowledge attraction to another human being.
Vulnerability is an obvious problem in this. I don't like feeling vulnerable at all. Yet, as I've grown up, I've come to understand that my attraction to a woman is never a surprise to that woman. Maybe I have no poker face. Maybe I'm just that earnest. Maybe I gave up on trying to be private about it. Secrets make me anxious sometimes.
If you want to ask somebody for something, you must first make it absolutely safe for them to refuse the request. A request with a risk attached, even if that risk is entirely implicit, is not a request to which the recipient can freely consent. We have to teach men how to be safe, and how to be respectful, in order to enable better relationships for everyone.